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How can parents teach their children to say “sorry”? The heart of my question is not so much about teaching my kids to apologize when they are young—when I am holding their hand or looking over their shoulder and prompting them—but when they are adults and have left home and are living and working alongside others who may not know how to apologize or to forgive.

To paraphrase an old proverb: I don’t want to give them a formula and help them for a day; I want to teach them an art and help them for a lifetime.

Of all the skills that parents can and should teach their children, knowing when and how to say sorry is potentially the most important. It could save their future marriage or preserve them from years of heartbreaking and needless estrangement from a loved one.

And the stakes are even higher than that: Jesus said that if we do not repent or apologize to God, we will never enter the kingdom of heaven (Mt 18:3; Lk 13:3).

The problem is that saying sorry is never easy and many of us struggle with this sacred art. The good news is that we can learn as we teach the next generation. To this end, I would like to offer a practical and simple method which, thus far, has proven to be highly effective—both for my kids and for myself. But before I explain how it works, we need to paint a picture of what a good apology looks like.

In the 1949 film She Wore a Yellow Ribbon, John Wayne’s character, Captain Nathan Brittles, famously said: “Don’t say sorry, it’s a sign of weakness.”

However, the weakness lies not in the act of saying sorry, but in our aversion to it. If we make a mistake or sin against our neighbor, we owe them an apology. Yet our instinct is to defend ourselves, to focus on the “speck” in our neighbor’s eye (Mt 7:3-5), and to wait for him to make the first move. This is always to the detriment of our relationships.

A good apology is a sign of strength and strengthens our relationships. It goes deeper than merely sounding out words: it speaks the truth in love (Eph 4:15).

This requires an act of the will (love), through which we openly admit (humility) and try to put right (justice) what we have done wrong (truth). Depending on the gravity and the effects of our actions, we may also need to repair the damage, but first and foremost we must express our sorrow verbally and preferably in person.

Whether we begin with a friendly “sorry” or a more formal “I take full responsibility,” the most important detail is that we should refrain from using conjunctions such as “if” and “but,” for they add a conditional clause which undermines our apology.

For instance, if I say to my wife Rose, “I’m sorry if my words offended you,” I am not expressing sorrow or regret for my words and I am not acknowledging that they have offended her. If I say to my daughter, “I’m sorry for shouting at you, but I’ve had a hard day,” I am blaming my actions on something or someone else.

A sincere, Christian apology holds nothing back. We don’t kneel in the confessional and say, “Bless me Father, for my wife made me sin.” We don’t begin our Act of Contrition with, “O my God, I am partly sorry.” Either we are “heartily” sorry for what we have done or we are not, and our choice of words will convey that.

St Paul wisely urged us: Do not let the sun go down on your anger (Eph 4:26). This applies both to those who need to apologize and those who need to forgive.

Mother Angelica observed that, “In the summer the sun sets later—so you’ve got extra time. God knows that some days it takes longer to get over it.”

Sometimes saying sorry takes courage, but we can pray for this virtue and for the grace to apologize well—leaving the outcome (our neighbor’s response) safely in God’s hands.

How can parents bring all this down to the level of a five-year-old while, at the same time, prepare him or her for the challenges he or she will face in adulthood?

About a year ago, my wife and I started praying an Act of Contrition with our three girls (now aged seven, six, and three) before bedtime.

After a few months I felt inspired to preface it by saying: “Before we ask Jesus to forgive our sins today, if anyone wants to say sorry, feel free to do so”.

The idea was and is simply to open up the floor for a few moments to seek reconciliation before making our Act of Contrition before the altar of our bed (Mt 5:23-24). There are no fingers pointing or eyes staring and no one is obliged to speak. It is purely voluntary.

The first night our girls remained silent, so my wife and I took the lead. We also made a point of responding with, “I forgive you and I love you!” By the second night our girls got it and they, even our three-year-old, have been participating ever since.

Some nights no one says anything, which is all right. Sometimes our girls say sorry to each other for things they did that we knew nothing about. One night our six-year-old Jacinta, who has a big heart, asked, “Can we say sorry for something we did a few days ago and forgot to say sorry for?” Clearly, they are learning something.

In fact, they are teaching us. One time I said sorry to my wife and after forgiving me, she said there was no need to apologize. Then Jacinta looked up at me and said reassuringly: “It’s good to say sorry though, just in case”.

Of course, parents can encourage their children to apologize in the moment. Good parenting books also recommend using so-called “If–then” statements if necessary. For example, we might say, “Janie, if you refuse to apologize to Harriet for pushing her off the chair, then you will not be able to join us for ice cream.”

The point is to teach her that our actions have consequences and that we must take responsibility for them. This is a valuable tool in the parenting tool box, but it is also limited because it works on the child from without, whereas the exercise I am proposing works from within.

Confessing our sins to one another (Jas 5:16) before bedtime gives children an atmosphere within which they can think for themselves and listen to their conscience.

They learn to ask themselves daily: what have I done wrong? What do I need to say sorry for? Then they find the words and they apologize without our input and without thinking of personal gain (i.e., ice cream). They are on their own—as they will be in twenty years time when the need to make a good apology will be more critical.

It also gives parents a gift of an opportunity to teach by example. If my wife and I have hurt each other, particularly in front of our kids, they get to see us make peace and reaffirm our love.

Similarly, if we, as imperfect parents, have hurt our children during the day, through our simple, wholehearted apology, they get to fall asleep knowing that Mommy and Daddy love them. How many children in the world are starved of that?

Imagine kneeling down or sitting at the height of one of my little girls, looking straight into her eyes and saying, “I’m sorry for shouting at you. What I did was wrong. Please forgive me,” after which her face lights up, her arms fling around me, and she whispers into my ear, “I forgive you and I love you, Daddy!”

I wish I didn’t do things that warrant an apology, but how can I deprive her of such a beautiful exchange of love? Why delay the waves of her forgiveness from crashing on the shore of my guilt?

Recently, I said sorry to our seven-year-old Janie, who was sitting on the opposite end of the sofa. She was tired at the end of a full day and was sucking her thumb.

In response to my apology, she lovingly reached out her free hand to touch me. This gesture spoke louder than words, and it made me realize that through bedtime apologies, our kids are learning as much about forgiveness as they are about saying sorry.

Here’s a word of advice for parents who want to use this method: Making it a part of your daily family routine is a small investment for a big return. But if this is not feasible, an alternative would be to set aside one night per week.

Also, once the novelty has worn off, beware of the temptation to skip it through laziness or pride.

There have been times when my wife and I have fallen out shortly before the girls’ bedtime and the last thing I want to do is dig deep and say sorry with love. But being faithful to this discipline in difficult moments stops the cancer of resentment from taking root. It is also a sure sign that we are mastering the art.

It is often said that “the family that prays together, stays together.” Although the motto is catchy, sadly the ideal doesn’t always catch on. Is it more plausible to hope that the family that says sorry together, will stay together?

We won’t know until our children are older and have left home. I daresay that when they are teenagers, they may not be as forthcoming as they are now. Nevertheless, during these early formation years they and we are learning a lost art and developing a holy habit that is already bearing good fruit.

The McDonalds are our friends and neighbors.

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