Me? I can usually remember a new person’s name until about noon, and then I’ll have to ask them again. So for me to remember the time and place, when and where I heard a particular gospel story is quite unusual.

But I remember very clearly, some thirty years ago, reading this gospel account of the cure of the leper in the chapel above the dining room here at Madonna House, Combermere.

I was not in very good shape spiritually at the time, but I had begun to open myself up to the Charismatic Renewal and to rejoice in what the Holy Spirit was doing in “our” midst.

The Holy Spirit, however, was not doing anything in my midst! Everyone and their dog was getting healed of all sorts of physical and emotional ailments. But not me!

On the day in question I was concelebrating Mass and was asked to read this Gospel—the Gospel about the cure of the man with leprosy. After I finished, I heard myself say to God, “What’s wrong with me, Lord? If you can cure a leper why don’t you cure me?”

The answer came to me even more quickly than the question had. In my heart I heard, “You are standing in the wrong line, Patrick. You don’t have leprosy!”

Well, I think it took the next thirty years for me to figure out what the Lord was trying to tell me that day, but it came together bit by bit. There was nothing extraordinary or miraculous about it, but now that it has come together, it feels extraordinary and miraculous!

This gospel story was probably the beginning of a very special spiritual insight into my life as well as the occasion of a gradual healing of something which was off the mark in my soul.

Because, with that gospel word and the questions which came to me as a result, it finally dawned on me that for much of my life I had been “using” religion to try and change everything to fit my needs and wants. And eventually I was even appraising the Christian Faith itself by whether or not things changed according to my prayers and my expectations.

Then, one day, all of a sudden, religion didn’t “work” anymore. And, if it doesn’t work, I figured, what is the use of it?

That is a sickness more deadly than leprosy!

It took me years to realize that this experience was typical, and that we must eventually come to that moment when our faith cannot be based on how it does or does not change my life, heal my sicknesses, or change history according to what I need or want or expect.
That is not faith. Yes, I was indeed in the wrong gospel line because my sickness was not leprosy; it was an abuse of faith.

My sickness was that of trying to make faith work, instead of simply and humbly believing in Jesus Christ and all his promises, and realizing that being able to believe is to be healed of things far more deadly and disastrous than leprosy.

This realization has truly changed my life, because it has changed my notion of what religion and faith are “for.”

For the longest time I had wanted God to make the world, my life, my family, my Church, my nation, the way I wanted them to be! In return I would lead a moral life, pray and worship and share my good fortune with those “less fortunate.” And my seeing of others as “less fortunate” was really a shifty way of saying that they were less fortunate because they didn’t have enough faith!

Religion had become for me a “tool” for trying to change God, rather than a call from God for me to change.

How had I forgotten that Jesus Christ is the one who is “working,” and he does not depend upon me for his results? How had I forgotten that all he needs from me is an open heart, the graciousness to let life be what it is, understandable or not, and my trust that he is Lord of all?

How had I forgotten that everything has been redeemed, whether I see it or experience it or not? How? Simple. I had become the focus of my faith: it was all about me and God, and not about God and me!

When I finally realized that and repented of it, I was, in fact, “healed,” even if I didn’t see it or understand it at the time.