I was going to Madonna House often. Each time I would return home renewed with strength and optimism. But this would diminish with the nausea and pain that came from the treatment. And though I was encouraged by my physical progress, my resentment would grow when I saw the blooming health of colleagues and neighbors.

The question “why?” stood like a challenge and a barrier between Catherine and me. That one word opened up a world of speculation, and it was a demand that the mysteries of God be put into simple explanations and conclusions.

Catherine’s eyes flashed with comprehension and understanding. She saw the question as a door into the heart of my faith. And she saw it as an opportunity to encounter not a problem but the person of God himself.

“We’ll go to the chapel,” she announced. “No one will bother us. We’ll talk and then let God answer. But we have to listen—listen carefully.”

When we had settled ourselves down in front of our favorite icon, Catherine started to speak. “What did you tell me that Hillel said?” (As a Jew, a convert to Catholicism, I sometimes quoted this great Talmudic sage to her.)

“Those who know God can ask him anything,” I replied. “Those who do not know God can hear no answers.”

“So you can ask the question why?” Catherine continued. “But think. Be practical. Perhaps it will take a lifetime to get a complete answer. Perhaps that one word will open up a lifetime of learning and understanding. But you will understand. It will come.

“Think about it. If you wanted to learn about nuclear physics, it would take you years of study and struggle. You would study with dedication and effort—with faith in your professors, and with the sacrifice of time. You would put your life on hold and dedicate all your efforts to achieving this knowledge. But it would come.

“But to go into the mind of God and try to see why we have suffering, pain, and struggle, that is far more complicated than nuclear physics. You want the answer? You want to understand? Be prepared to struggle intellectually and spiritually. Be prepared to dedicate years to prayer and contemplation. Be prepared to follow the path God has prepared for you.

“Do this. It is wonderful. The word ‘why’ will lead you on a spiritual quest that leads to heaven. Do it! I love the word ‘why.’

“The question leads to the consecration of a life to God. An honest question put to God is a reaching out for the hand of God to lead us to a world of faith and understanding. But it takes years and years. It takes a lifetime.”

She stopped and looked at me with an intensity that held me spellbound. I started to see the vision she was presenting.

“Dear Heart,” Catherine continued. “Ask the right question. But before you ask ‘why,’ ask ‘how.’”

(to be continued)